somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
