I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
