I will die if light touches me.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Found the puke drawer
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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