I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
