A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
