this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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