My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
