oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
