Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
