you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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