It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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