Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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