"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
