Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
