had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
