So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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