I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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