Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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