I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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