what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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