At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
