just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The struggles of a small town man whore
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
