I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just threw up on my dentist
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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