i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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