I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Less talking, more tequila
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
