He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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