rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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