He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
