dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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