I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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