Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
It's never too late to be topless.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
