this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She told me I should be a condom model.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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