I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize