Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
How does it feel to date your dad?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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