she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
you made out with another girl for some wings
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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