I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize