Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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