You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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