pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
organizing the empties. That sober.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
