I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize