I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
