when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
