literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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