Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
