My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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