Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
