It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I wear drunk well.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
