You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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