so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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