Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
