dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
