We named our party play list daddy issues
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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