When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
