I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
