my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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