I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
