Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
That accounts for only three of the penises
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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