i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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