I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
