Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize